A Home

I mistook the warnings for wisdom
From so called friends quick to advise
Though your touch was telling me otherwise
Somehow I saw you as a weakness
I thought I had to be strong
Oh but I was just young, I was scared, I was wrong

Not a night goes by
I don't dream of wandering
Through the home that might have been
And I listened to my pride
When my heart cried out for you
Now every day I wake again
In a house that might have been
A home

Guess I did what I did believing
That love is a dangerous thing
Oh but that couldn't hurt anymore than never knowing

Not a night goes by
I don't dream of wandering
Through the home that might have been
And I listened to my pride
When my heart cried out for you
Now every day I wake again
In a house that might have been
A home
A home

Four walls, a roof, a door, some windows
Just a place to run when my working day is through
They say home is where the heart is
If the exception proves the rule I guess that's true

Not a night goes by
I don't dream of wandering
Through the home that might have been
And I listened to my pride
When my heart cried out for you
Now every day I wake again
In a house that might have been
A home
A home

- Dixie Chicks

Low Expectations

So I finally went apartment hunting in the city to see what I can get for my hard earned dollar. I think because my expectations were so damn low that the experience pleasantly surprised me. All the agents I worked with were pretty nice people. Some apartments were bad but I actually saw two that I would totally consider. The one I really liked was somewhat out of my price range -- $2,500 a month. Crazy, right? Yeah, but it's right next to the Time Warner building near Hell's Kitchen and is a huge space compared to the small shitholes you usually get. Apparently, that is considered a "great deal." One agent was really snobby tho, with it being a seller's market, he was like "oh whatever, if-you-want-to-see-it-I-don't-care attitude." Nearly everyone was like, "if you like it, you'd better sign up for it now because it won't be here tomorrow." Unfortunately, that part is true. But then I realized the broker's fee was ridiculous -- 15% of one year's rent...that's like $4-5K!! It was still eye-opening though. The way I see it, at least I got some exercise today. I think I might have walked 7 miles (I'm not kidding you!). Shoulda worn my shox instead of my pumas.

A Familiar Quote

"And ever it has been that love knows not his own depth until the hour of separation. "

-- Kahlil Gibran

Moqueca

After my haircut and running into Ann and Jin, I went with Z to Moqueca in Inman. We've been wanting to try this place for a while...it's Brazilian but not the meat-oriented cuisine most associate with Brazilian restaurants. It was a tiny hole-in-the-wall and a total mom and pop establishment. Known for their fish and seafood stews, everything that came out of the kitchen made my mouth water. To start, we got fried yucca with yogurt herb sauce. Then I ordered a seafood stew rice that was divine! It had squid, mussels, shrimp over a saffron rice garnished with tons of yummy cilantro. Ok, it was essentially seafood paella, Brazilian style. Z got a salted cod stew with coconut milk, it was very interesting. But for once, I wasn't stealing off someone else's plate because I liked my own dish better. Anyways, it's quite a little jewel. Our goal now is to try a new place every week.

Slack-Jawed Yokel

OMG. I just went to the dentist and got a new filling. The entire side of my face is completely numb. My cheek up to my ear! I can't control my tongue and can barely drink water. I feel completely slack-jawed. Thank goodness I don't have any meetings until later in the day. Oh, and it was so painful. I was not happy seeing that gigantic needle coming my way. Uhhhhh! Sometimes I wonder if any of this is necessary!!! It's like going into the shop and the mechanic says you have a cavity...do you trust the fellow to be on the safe side or ignore him? Anyhoo, the worst part's over!

Relief

I'm so in awe of my sister sometimes. I don't know what I would do without her. After listening to her, everything made sense and I think I have a handle on things now. She can be so unaffected, yet empathetic and caring. I don't know how she can be so wise at her age. I know I wasn't. There are so many times when I think she's the big sister. Of course, we don't always agree but I think as we grow older, the way we think and relate is converging. It's really nice. I look at other siblings and wonder how they can not be best friends. Ok, maybe best friends is stretching it--we're such different people. But we are always, always there for each another. More and more, I see her as an equal and can actually rely on her for sage advice. I love her faith in me and how she tries to lend me strength when I have none. We've been through so much together, but it only feels like the beginning.

A Bag Ain't Just a Bag

I love this NY Times article about women's obsession with handbags and the psychoanalysis behind it.

Buying a bag is nothing less than a compulsion, a fixation, a tragicomic spectacle, an indication of status anxiety, a sign of existential hope, a fetish, a clue, a puzzlement, a pity, a pleasure. One might even go so far as to conjecture that the British analyst D.W. Winnicott's notion of "potential space" — an imaginative domain between inner and outer worlds that corresponds to the infant's sense of play — finds its most perfect habitation in a handbag. It is, above all, the great unstated answer to the Freudian question: What do women want? Well, I am here to clear away this lingering mystery about the nature of female desire forever: they want bags.

The article goes on to say:

"A bag," observes Wurtzel, "is about controlling the world outside your home. It's not any more about materialism than Neruda's 'Ode to Things' is. When he says, 'Oh irrevocable / river / of things,' he's talking about his attachments, and some of us cannot bear to be separated from our things for too long."

Considered in this light, bags are almost worth the time and money we give them. In being so sublimely iconographic, they tell us nothing less than where we live, who we are and where you might metaphorically someday find us, carrying our best selves in the bag of our secret dreams.

And behold, I'm drooling over my next vessel of secret dreams =) :

Friendship

My head is killing me. I'm so tired. I'm tired of being judged. I've come to realize that the best friends are those that listen openly and do not try to impose their opinions. But those are few and far in between. I absolutely hate how people impose their morals and beliefs on my situations and then say, "well, I'm only saying this because I want what's best for you." Have they ever walked a mile in my shoes? Do they know what's in my mind and my heart? Why do they presume they are all-knowing experts of what life lesson Kosin needs to learn?

Sometimes I want to share to be closer to someone, or I just need a shoulder to cry on, or just someone to nod and be sympathetic. I don't go to people for solutions or advice necessarily, I don't know why they feel like they need to give it. What do they really know? No imagination. No understanding. I vow never to broach certain topics with certain people. It's not worth my own condemnation...when I know I am undeserving. I don't need to be made to feel like a fool when I am not. In the end, I am really only accountable to myself. But sometimes that makes me feel so alone. I wish I had unconditional support from someone who just let me be me.

Briefly It Enters, and Briefly Speaks

I am the blossom pressed in a book,
found again after two hundred years...

I am the maker, the lover, and the keeper...

When the young girl who starves
sits down to a table
she will sit beside me...

I am food on the prisoner's plate...

I am water rushing to the wellhead,
filling the pitcher until it spills...

I am the patient gardener
of the dry and weedy garden...

I am the stone step,
the latch, and the working hinge...

I am the heart contracted by joy...
the longest hair, white
before the rest...

I am there in the basket of fruit
presented to the widow...

I am the musk rose opening
unattended, the fern on the boggy summit...

I am the one whose love
overcomes you, already with you
when you think to call my name...

Jane Kenyon

How the Little Beast Was Tamed

I love writing poetry with Lynn. She's a great teacher. But only once in a blue moon does the mood strike. Inspiration is often hard to find. But when it hits, she and I will stay up till the wee hours of the morning going back and forth on drafts. It takes weeks to really finish one because what seems perfectly phrased today could look silly or cheesey the next. But it always feels good to get that sentiment out...and it definitely always feels like a mini-accomplishment. I'm contemplating my next one. But in the meantime, here's a little diddley Lynnie penned on the bus ride back from Boston. :)

How the Little Beast Was Tamed

You laugh at the odd
little animal sounds I make
I'm not even conscious of it anymore
I think it's from talking to my cats.

You laugh at the way
I sniff your shoulder
as if it were a line of coke
and it's been weeks.

You laugh, but sometimes I do
feel like a furry little beast,
back arched, teeth bared,
in need of a bath and a meal.

Then you come along,
roll over in the patch
of afternoon sun
and show your belly.

You don't make a peep,
cradling my eyes
in your blue-green sea
as I circle you

slowly, cautiously, nervously

one
two
three times

then lay down
beside you
belly to belly
and purr.

--Lynn Huang

For Anon

Sigh

Sigh, I feel so sickly still. I just spent the last week sick and I thought I was better. Now my stomach hurts and I'm constantly sleepy. Plus my nose is going haywire...more than per usual. If this is a healthy, young version of me, I dunno what I'm gonna do when I'm actually old! Sheesh!

I think I'm just gonna call it a night with some herbal tea and a good mystery book. I'm reading a new book called "Died in the Wool" by Ngaio Marsh, who is supposed to rival Agatha Christie. But these books aren't contemporary -- they were first published in the 1940's so a lot of the jargon is dated and I can't decipher what the characters are saying at times. But it came highly recommended from the B&N clerk. I just wanted to expand my mystery reading beyond Agatha. But it seems like most of the contemporary mystery novels tend to be on the cheesey side. I've just been craving a good book lately and since it's still years before the next Harry book comes out, I gotta make do.

Quote of the Day - 9.20.06

"The heart has its reasons which reason knows not of."

-- Blaise Pascal

Welcomed Rain

I'm so glad it's raining right now. It feels so muggy that I just want everything to cool off. It's almost hypnotic looking outside my window into the night and seeing the drops of water bounce off the black asphalt lit by the apartment lights across the street. It's just one continuous stream coming down that driveway. I hope it rains all day tomorrow too. It just feels better for some reason.

O, You!

I just registered for Oprah's O, You! event. It's gonna be so cool going to workshops by Dr. Robin, Martha Beck, and then getting a breakout session with Stacey London from What Not to Wear and Reggie, Oprah's markup artist. I know, I know, it's kinda cheesey housewifey nonsense. But I think people are too cynical. I'm just gonna go and enjoy it. =)

Karl Kokosing

I was highly amused last night as I watched Prison Break. The characters were all heading to K&K ranch in Utah to chase down some buried loot. They look up K&K and behold, it stood for "Karl Kokosing!"

;)

Cars Need to Get with the iPod Already!

I finally bought one of those car FM adapters for the iPod. OMG, it sucks! I knew it wouldn't be perfect but the static is awful. I'd much rather insert CDs all day. When I got my Mazda 3, my friend kept telling me, "oh, don't worry about the iPod integration." Blah, blah, blah! Well, the Scion is looking good now, even if it is a slightly cheesey car. I know Mazda and all these other car manufacturers have announced iPod integration but it has yet to come to market. If I were Steve Jobs, I would have made some lucrative deal with only a few manufacturers to have sole iPod integration. The fact that it's taken this long to get to market is ridiculous considering the demand. Who wants to deal with custom audio work and twiddling around with the stupid stereo? We want smooth integration with the stereo interface and a resting place in the arm to store the iPod. Anyhoo, enuff rambling about things I can't change. Now I know I should've gotten the 6-CD changer. Doh!

Quote of the Day - 9.19.06

"At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.”

- Lao Tzu

My Emotional Journey Through Scrabble

...but I won anyway!

Sushi Reward...

Quote of the Day - 9.14.06

Wisely did Shakespeare say,

"The course of true love never did run smooth."

Ugh II

I can't believe I'm sick again!!! Must be the change in weather. My nose is all drippy and my throat is itchy. =( I was totally fine yesterday! Arghhhhh! Now I'm downing Dayquil, echinacea and Airborne. I wish I could just veg all day. =((((((

Scrabble Disease

I've turned into a total yuppie. We're at Panera right now, playing Scrabble and drinking coffee and checking our challenged words online. Yesterday, we had a Scrabble party and I played some jazz and made tea for all of us. It was much more fun that I had thought it would be. I'm so hooked now and I'm getting a bit too competitive. I barely made it with the word "udon" which was not in the Scrabble dictionary but we agreed we would accept. I mean, just because the Scrabble dictionary was so "anglo" didn't mean I was wrong. "Miso" and "tofu" had better be acceptable words.=)

Quote of the Day - 9.8.06

"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding."

- The Prophet, Kahlil Gibran

Nite nite

What a gorgeous night. I love the weather right now...so perfect and balanced. I hope it stays like this for weeks on end!

It's All Relative...

"Ko, and i thought you were a bad driver..."

-Chia
________________________________________________

The following appeared on Boston.com:
Headline: 34 hurt in troubled bus line's latest episode
Date:     September 6, 2006

"AUBURN -- Thirty-four people were injured yesterday after
a speeding Boston-bound Fung Wah bus rolled over on an
Interstate 290 offramp, State Police said."

Quote of the Day - 9.2.06

"Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great."

-Comte DeBussy-Rabutin

This has never been more true...

Quote of the Day - 9.1.06

“The obvious is that which is never seen until someone expresses it simply.”

- Kahlil Gibran

Intuition

"Any sentient being knows when it wants to eat, mate, run, sleep or fight -- any sentient being that is, except most members of the human race. We are the only beasts in creation who systematically eradicate the knowledge of our own desires."

- Martha Beck


It's been an odd year. A learning year, I should say. I finally feel like I'm in a place where I can get "still" and know where to go next. I think one of my greatest issues is that I'm never quite sure. I can never quite tap that inner voice, drowned out by all the noise around me. Instinctively, I know deep deep down what is right for me but on the surface, I'm completely torn. I give in to other people's needs and opinions, I let passing logic take hold, I'm afraid to do what I should. I don't listen to myself, I don't carry things out quickly or justly. Every day affords a chance to follow my intuition. As long as I do that, I really should not be afraid of the consequnces, whatever they may be.

Opportunity can often be unnerving. When there is no choice, there is no chance of making a mistake. I have many options and alternatives to choose from at the moment. I am going to consider things critically, but most of all, be open to "higher guidance." I know I'll get it right eventually and I know that there's a lot waiting for me out there.

Happiness

"Happiness is never something you get from other people. The happiness you feel is in direct proportion to the love you give." - Oprah

Here's an excerpt from "What I Know for Sure":

In the third grade, I learned the Golden Rule: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." I loved those words. I wrote them on everything and carried them around in my book satchel.

I was a good-deed doer. At one point, I even thought I was going to be a missionary. Every Sunday I would go to church, sit second pew to the right, take out a notepad and write down everything the minister said. At school the next day, I would recite the sermon on the playground. I called it Monday-morning devotion. My classmates would see me coming and say, "Here comes that preacher." I was 8 years old at the time.

In the fifth grade, I ran into some problems. There was a girl in my class who didn't like me, so I went around school talking about her. One of my friends pointed out that if I believed in doing unto others and was talking about this girl, chances are she was talking about me, too. "I don't care," I replied, "because I don't like her anyway."

For a long time, whenever I would say or do something that went against my better self, I would try to justify it that way. What I didn't understand is that all of your actions, both good and bad, come back to you and most often not from the people you are acting toward.

Now I know that you receive from the world what you give to the world. I understnad it from physics and the third law of motion: For every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction. It is the essence of what Eastern philosophers call karma. In The Color Purple, the character Celie explained it to Mister: "Everything you try to do to me, already done to you."

Your actions revolve around you as surely as the earth revolves around the sun. The more conscious I became of this, the more quickly my actions came back.

Today I try to do well and be well with everyone I reach or encounter. I make sure to use my life for that which can be of goodwill. Yes, this has brought me great wealth. More important, it has fortified me spiritually and emotionally.

When people say they are looking for happiness, I ask, "What are you giving to the world?" I'll never forget this couple who appeared on my show. The wife couldn't understand why their relationship had broken dowm. She kept saying, "He used to make me so happy. He doesn't make me happy anymore." What she couldn't see was that she was the cause of her own effect. Happiness is never something you get from other people. The happiness you feel is in direct proportion to the love you are able to give.

If you think something is missing in your life of you're not getting what you deserve, remember that there's no Yellow Brick Road. You lead life; it doesn't lead you.

See what comes into your life when you spend extra time with your children. Let go of your anger with your boss or coworker and see what gets returned. Be loving to yourself and others and see that love reciprocated. This rule works every time, whether or not you are aware of it. It occurs in little things, big things, and the biggest things.

I have an advantage because I work in a profession in which everything I do generates an immediate response in overnight ratings, e-mails, and phone calls. Every day fo your life, you are performing your own show, and the returns may come in more slowly or be less obvious. But everything is being returned. What you're thinking, what you're saying, what you're doing, is having an impact on you and the people around you right now. I know it for sure.