"Jack Bauer doesn't urinate or deficate. He secretes waste through his pores as two chemicals which can be combined to create napalm. "
"Jack Bauer would have gotten the ring to Mordor in 24 hours. "
"Tony, get a chopper ready. Michelle, call Gondor and tell them to set up a perimeter. Chloe, I need satellite coverage on Mount Doom."
"The only reason terrorists keep attacking LA is so they can meet Jack Bauer. "
"The ancient Chinese built the Great Wall of China not to repel the Mongols, but rather to repel Jack Bauer. It failed when he attacked over the Himalayas. "
"Jack Bauer creates an "airtight perimeter" by yelling at the air and calling it a pussy until it gets its shit together and falls in line. "
"CTU stands for Jack Fucking Bauer. "
"God rested on the 7th day. Jack Bauer will be spending his 7th day working his usual triple shift without sleep. Lazy ass God."
"Once a year, Jack Bauer kills and eats an entire blue whale. This is why he is never seen having lunch. "
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